the great discovery

she laughed when she found it.

Such giddy relief

Nine years, three continents, therapy, prayer and poetry:

so much work

for its discovery.

it had been there all along

shining and bright like starlight

but wrapped around her eyes

she could only see the strands and the threads

sometimes crossing one another

she kept swatting at it

as if was a swarm of flies

or dense fog

she clawed at it

not knowing where it was

she dug deep red stripes into her own flesh.

eventually

after being swirled around

only seeing strands here and there

she cast it into the middle of the circle

of friends

(she could not do such a thing in solitude

some thoughts are too big

to think alone)

finally

it was there

and it had a shape, a size, a name:

her Knot.

Ah, and what a Knot it was!

Silver and blue

glistening and shimmering

a Celtic Knot

with such a bright golden light coming from within

bouncing, lightly hovering above the ground

it had its own rhythm.

Watching it

she knew, suddenly, that it was not her:

she was not her knot!

Relief flooded her.

But that tangle of cords

that pulsed and breathed of its own accord

it was bound to her and she to it

a thin golden thread

umbilical cord

it was her gift her curse her love her construct

when loose

it could give off such light

order out of chaos

beauty out of and even within darkness

an ancient rhythm to call her home

but when too tight

there was only the chaos - it would swallow her whole.

Tangled inside, where was He who Hovered over the Waters?

What a dangerous Companion,

a peculiar Avatar, such a daemon

this spirit-guide that could kill her

how keep it loose?

how let the light through,

so she could trace the path inside up and upside down

through different sectors and faiths and geographies

to find the threads that held them together

to create the connections and hear the world's sweet song

to flow on that endless wandering river

where the devil despaired of finding the ending

for this is just the beginning.

Keep it in the circle

of fellowship and friendship and Words

Keep it in the circle -

for there are two golden threads

one to you,

and one to the Other

to the Nameless Shadow Light

that

somewhere between the in-breath and the out-breath

is always

breathing Her Own way through.