i called you beloved

i called you beloved

and then i left you

and now i walk

in smoke-scented nights

where airplanes fly

but i stay standing; haven't gone anywhere

i stare

at the empty bedroom

and wonder:

what is the shape of a life?

how have i gone so long

without finding

what i've been seeking

(of course

maybe i have.)

they say

the soul likes wholeness, integrity

was i wrong

to call you beloved

when i knew i would leave you

how i dreaded the day

i would hold you close

beg you in my mind

to not make me do it alone

this separation

wanted you to do it for me

but you, naturally, would not -

how could you leave me, who called you beloved?

there must be a place

in the dance of my life

for such contradictions: pulling close and pushing away

beloveds

that i choose not to marry.

There must be a place

for me to choose something other than contradiction

a dance that isn't a 'yes but'

this push-pull

is sending me toppling over

i need to listen

to the deeper drummer.

there was once one

who said i was not enough.

no one else

stands a chance

till i experience otherwise

and sufficiency

is hard to come by in an age of austerity

abundance

feels like someone else's life

and yet -

the soul can heal all wounds

by living fully -

i called you beloved

and i meant it.

on our last walk

by the sea side

i don't recall the conversation

but your touch smell breath and the moon

that seemed to rise for us.

and maybe that night

and our love

was enough.

i'm not asking you to come back.

I'm just saying.

beneath the contradiction

lies a paradox

and beneath the paradox

a mystery

and beneath the mystery

a love so wide and deep

even the drummer

is filled with the swirls of silence

and the ocean of Light

can carry both of us

home